Detox This! Week 1

As I mentioned in last week’s post, My Breaking Point, when I looked in the mirror, I hardly recognized myself.  I had reached my limits and decided I need to make some changes to my lifestyle.  So as any sane person that is one day away from blindly starting a life-changing journey would do, I spent the entire day eating all of the foods that I assumed would be off limits, especially during the first phase of the program.  I had homemade waffles and bacon for breakfast, leftover Indian take-out for lunch, spaghetti and homemade meatballs for dinner and, of course, dessert after every meal.  I didn’t go so far as have mimosas or Bloody Mary’s with my breakfast (in hindsight, not sure why), but I certainly had a few beers and wine from lunch to bedtime.  I felt that this was an important step in the process so that I would not feel like I was depriving myself.  I also thought that it would make me even heavier, and in turn even more successful, as the weight melted off.

During my first official “Kick-Off” appointment, I had 12 vials of blood drawn and I meet with the nurse (let’s call her Linda) for the first time, where she went through the entire program.  She explained that while I wait the 2 weeks for the blood results to come back, I am to start and complete the initial detox stage.  Linda quickly explained that the basis of the detox was to reset my metabolism and to get my body into full on fat burning mode.  Awesome!

During our conversation, she repeatedly told me that we all should be eating like cave(wo)men, nothing we eat should come out of a box, and if I’m doing it right, I should never be hungry living this lifestyle.  As Linda opens up the “playbook,” I am on the edge of my seat.  I envision this glow coming off the pages, as this booklet holds all the answers I have been longing for.  Once she has gone through all the “rules” I am relieved and feeling extremely motivated, because on the surface it looks pretty straightforward and a good portion of these things I already do (well…maybe not).  Here are the rules:

• 1^st thing in the morning – drink a cup of hot water with lemon and cayenne pepper (to shock system and get things moving)
• Eat every 3 hours (to keep my metabolism going)…Linda actually set up alarms on my phone so I wouldn’t forget to eat
• Twice a day, take a packet of “detoxing” pills, followed by a protein shake (this is where the magic happens)
• Drink 72oz water per day, including 8oz before every meal to fill me up
• Eat 7 servings of protein a day – only organic lean meats, no red meat, no egg yolks
• Eat 4 servings of vegetables a day…2 of them must be 4oz of leafy greens
• No artificial sweeteners except Stevia
• Can have coffee, but try limiting to 1-2 cups per day
• No fruit
• No dairy
• No alcohol
• Weigh all food
• Track everything in my journal, including one positive thought a day

I didn’t have many questions for Linda, as I was too anxious and excited to sit still much longer.  I had just been given the secret formula that I had been searching for and I needed to get to the store immediately (Whole Foods, I am coming for you!) and get started.

Hundreds of dollars later, I had two packed refrigerators full of organic meat, organic vegetables, lemons and several plastic clamshell containers of full of spinach and mixed greens.  I’m ready!

I started the week off really strong.  Day 1 I practically leap out of bed with boundless enthusiasm.  “I can do this!” I say to myself as I headed downstairs for my morning hot & spicy water.  Not terrible.  As I reach for the French press to make coffee, I decide at that moment that since I can’t have dairy, I am going to give up coffee too.  If I can’t have my coffee the way I want it, I don’t want it at all.  I can do this!  Next up – breakfast.  I’ve made spinach omelets many times before, and I always put in a decent amount of spinach, but since I am such a rule follower, I decide to weigh out the required 4oz.  As I fill up the bowl with much more than I would normally eat (or more than really any human should eat in one sitting), I realize that I am only at 1.5oz!  I look at the label on the clamshell and realize that the entire container is 5oz, so I am expected to eat 80% of this entire package, along with 6 egg whites, in one meal!  I’m going to have to start getting up earlier if I am going to eat all of this…

Three hours later my phone alarm is going off and telling me to Eat!  Eat?  How can I eat? Three quarters of the spinach from breakfast is still lodged in my throat.  But not wanting to slow down the process of recharging my metabolism, I decided to have one of my two required protein shakes with a packet of supplements.  When I had questioned Dr. M and Linda about the necessity of taking the pills, I was assured by both of them that they were an integral part of the 2-week cleansing that my body was to go through.  While I was not too excited about the supplement part, as I feel that there is more marketing than research behind them, I decided to take a leap of faith (they’re medical professionals, it must be ok…right?).  As I choked down the four horse pills, I envisioned the capsules bursting open and releasing an army of enthusiastic Scrubbing Bubbles zipping around, hootin’-n-hollerin’ and high-fiving each other as they got to work on dissolving all of the toxins in my liver.  I must say though; the pills were nothing compared to trying to get that shake down. I tried shot-gunning it, adding more ice, sipping it, it never got better.  I still can’t talk about it without getting the spits.  By the time I finished the shake, my phone chimed at me again – time to eat!  Seriously?  It’s been 3 hours already?  It was a long day of eating, tracking, drinking, choking, thinking positive thoughts…but I got through it.

Days 2 & 3 were much of the same, but I started to get into a routine and a rhythm, and actually started to see and feel a difference!  My clothes started to fit me better, which meant that I had a few more items in my closet that I could wear without the fear of being arrested.  One side of me just wrote it off as water weight going away, but the other side of me wanted to believe the program was working.  I even convinced myself to go bathing suit shopping for my upcoming vacation…if I feel this good in 3 days, imagine how I’ll feel in 4 weeks!

Then Day 4 hits me like a ton of bricks.  I…can’t…get…out…of…bed…What happened?  Where am I?  I am exhausted, my body aches, and I have no ambition or motivation to do anything.  After the 5^th snooze of my alarm, I have finally worked up enough strength to roll myself over onto my stomach with my legs hanging off the bed.   I slide down off the side just enough for my feet touch the floor, and as I stand up, I am so disoriented and light headed.  It’s as if my head is floating in the air like a helium balloon, and only attached to my body by a string.  All I can hope is this counts as my exercise for the day.

Days 5 & 6 are much of the same…zero energy.  When I pull in the parking lot at work I am almost in tears as I am overwhelmed at the thought of walking from my car to the door.  In my heart of hearts, I am not confident in my ability to make it to my desk at this point.  This is so unlike me, as just weeks before I was running a Spartan race on a mountain, and now I struggle with the thought of walking up a flight of stairs.  And at this point I also am realizing that I have not gone to the bathroom pretty much since I started the program.  Hmmm…6 days of 7 servings of protein, and 4 servings of vegetables, including 8oz of leafy greens…where is it all going?  Not to mention, where will I go when it’s ready to come out?   I’m no plumber, but I am pretty sure there is no modern plumbing system that is qualified to handle something like this.  What the eff is going on?

Fortunately, my first check-in with Linda was on Day 7.  I am anxious to talk to her about how I am feeling, but before I even get a chance to say a word, she has me on the scale.  “Wow, down 3.5 pounds – you’re doing great!”  I am dumbfounded, how could I have lost weight considering I know I have about 84 ounces of chicken still to pass?  I guess water is heavier than chicken.  When I explain how I’m feeling and how depressed I am getting, she just responds all bubbly “yeah, we see that a lot.  It will pass, just stick with it.  The detox is working!”  When I push back a little, and try to explain how I just don’t feel like myself, she just brushes it off.  “Or if you’d like, you can buy some of this special detox tea, plus we sell a magnesium supplement, and the doctor can write you a prescription for Colace.  I’ll also give you a B12 shot to help with your energy.” Huh? More supplements?  Medicine? Shots?  Just to go to the bathroom and to get my energy back?  Doesn’t seem very cavewoman like.  And while nothing is coming out of a box, I don’t think anything should come out of a bottle either.  Sadly, I am starting to see some cracks…Linda is very qualified at explaining the rules, weighing me, and pushing supplements, but doesn’t seem to be equipped with the skills to help me mentally push through this.  Nor did she properly prepare me for what to expect.  To me the mental part is 99% of it.  While I lost weight…I am starting to see the glow from my booklet dim just a bit.

Next up…Week 2 of my detox and my blood results…stay tuned